Misjudged

well here it goes with another ‘journal prompt’ this one is supposed to be about a time someone has misjudged me. To be honest I can’t think of any examples, probably because I havent had much interaction with actual people for any extended period of time in the last 2 years, other than my parents of course.

I guess where I do feel misjudged is with dating…I know I am cynical now with regards to dating. I am almost so used to being on my own and hanging out with myself and having my own time it feels like trying to fit my life around someone else is almost not comprehend-able. Sure there are times I get lonely and download dating apps and have an optimistic view that the right person, the one who will add more to my life and challenge me and make me believe in love for me is out there, but honestly it’s just so much effort and requires so much energy and I just find it so hard to even get to the point where I want to go on a date with the person. I get bored so easily chatting on the apps and I know that’s the ADHD and I know I need to make more effort because no one is going to take the time for me while I am giving off these uninspired nonchalant vibes. But, I have no idea how to change up my thinking. It’s all or nothing. I am either hyper fixated on them and get totally carried away or I don’t even remember they exist…

Anyway I’ve gone off track; surprise surprise.

I guess where I feel misjudged is in the fact that if you are single or on dating sites people think you are desperate to be in a couple and this goes especially for the people that you are on the date with.

The reality for me is that this person would need to be absolutely amazing for me to consider a second date, I need instant chemistry. Now they are competing with the life I have now, the life where I don’t have to worry about what some one else wants and needs, I can do whatever the hell I like (within reason of course). So sure sometimes this ‘single life’ is a bit lonely but it’s also pretty amazing in the sense that I don’t need to rely on anyone else for my happiness.

Now I accept its very possible that previous relationships have messed me up in the sense that I now feel quite anxious about the idea of being in a relationship because I know because of my personality and my ADHD I am an easy target for being controlled and coerced. It’s happened before and I just cant have that happen again, life is too short for that shit.

So yes, I feel misjudged by what people assume.

Don’t get me wrong, I hope on some level the right person is out there, but just because I might be on a dating site it doesn’t mean I am desperate to be in a relationship. Most of the time I actually feel that I am desperate to not be in a relationship, I guess this is why I delete them so often; but yes generally the idea of being in a relationship makes me feel anxious because I now associate romantic relationships with the imagery of having a dementor sucking the joyful life out of me and leaving me as a shell.

My My that got dark and I don’t really want to end this blog post on such a negative image haha. I am aware how sad and cynical I have become with regards romantic relationships for myself but what I will say is even though I feel like that (and these feelings are based on my lived experience so I can’t really change them) I know lots of couples in amazing loving relationships so I know they can exist and there is hope.

But, if like me you don’t have the energy to chat to people on dating sites and just go on them because society makes you feel like you need to be in a couple then I hear you!

There is definitely something powerful in being in a relationship with yourself. It is cheesy and cliche but love yourself; take yourself out on dates and then at that point when you aren’t looking for them that special person will just appear (at least that is what ‘they’ say and I hope ‘they’ are right).

My Supernova Love

In the cold control room, blackout blinds are down.

Starting the observation, checking co-ordinates now.

Our first light curve, from the NT Telescope loads.

Screen showing Type 1a, a white dwarf’s dying throws.

My very first Supernova, light captured, successfully shown.

I am here to help, to research.

But also, to run away…

far from; the memories

of us together, him and me.

He left, so could you be

my Supernova Love?

Last Christmas he left, walked out, cheated.

So here I am this Christmas, can’t allow the cold.

How to get past the rejection; left me, for her.

Far away South America, I escape to find the warm.

Sunny days, nights observing Supernova, stars that can’t go on.

Stars from which, everything is born.

Everywhere, you are, this mountain,

here in Chile; new love.

Still, my heart mourns.

He left, so could you be

my Supernova Love?

My Supernova who are you, new life from just a star?

Zooming in a whole Universe, millions billions to see.

Unlocking the meaning of each emission, what can it be?

Trying to work out which source is yours, first we can’t be sure.

Run the code, check mass limit, observing your ionising core.

Neutrinos settling, mass condensing.

Every single being, born in you,

every atom; in my blood.

You are already, in my bones.

He left, so could you be

my Supernova Love?

Cold and grey England, empty house awaits me there.

On screen we’ve found you, a star once glowing bright.

Your curve is turning downwards, more throughout the night.

Sat here searching waiting, measuring spectra faded light.

Lines converging, super heating core, but why am I so cold?

Life emerging, Supernova you made it all.

Elements, you created, oxygen carbon gold,

you are; in everything.

Still, you are not home.  

He left, yet still it’s him. He is

my Supernova Love.

You were supposed to #followme – my supernova love

This is the final poem I wrote for the poetic science event. This poem was in response to the concept of using the language of my science to write a love poem. I went kinda deep into my heart for this one, and to be honest reading it back makes me quite sad, especially since this is about a relationship which ended four years ago.

I guess it just takes as long as it takes.